moving to l.a.

 t𝔦𝔭𝔰 𝔱𝔥𝔞𝔱 𝔴𝔦𝔩𝔩 𝔭𝔯𝔢𝔭𝔞𝔯𝔢 𝔶𝔬𝔲 𝔣𝔬𝔯 𝔰𝔲𝔠𝔠𝔢𝔰𝔰

 Since I was young, it'd always been a dream of mine to move to Los Angeles, California. I don't know what inspired this, but I felt Hollywood calling me. One of the first few posts on my Instagram feed is a picture of L.A. captioned " The place I wanna go/live the most ". But if 15 year old me knew then, what I know now, I probably wouldn't have made my way out here. Not probably. I would have never moved out here. But hey, everything happens for a reason...right? 
​
I grew up in  Milwaukee, Wisconsin, in a very strict Burmese family.  I was never allowed to have sleep overs, or even go out with my friends. I was a straight A student, who was awarded for my perfect attendance and academic achievements. Not only did my grades thrive, but I thrived socially, and I excelled in sports and the arts.  Although I was surrounded by so many friends and had an active social life at school; I'd come home and I was completely alone. I was confined by the four walls of my childhood home. So at the age of sixteen, I started rebelling. A lot.
I began sneaking out, skipping school, and smoking weed everyday. I was a wild child, and had no cares for anything but making up for lost time. As the middle child of three sisters, I was often seen as angry, difficult, and rebellious, even when I followed all the rules. So this was my way of saying 'I'm going to be seen as a wrongdoer no matter what I do...why not fully step into that role?' I continued thriving in school, regardless of my missed days, but it slowly crept up on me and my grades definitely took a hit. But at home? At home, I began accruing problem after problem.
I began getting in trouble...a lot...even more than I already did. I stopped listening to my parents and began sneaking out and running away from home for days. It started slowly, just stuffing my bedsheets with teddy bears and sneaking off in the middle of the night to go to my childhood best friend's home. I did this for about a month before it finally caught up to me. One evening, as my dad came into my room to kiss me goodnight, he lifted my blanket, and realized I had stuffed my sheets with ten big fluffy teddybears. Of course I got in a lot of trouble, so I stayed put for a bit and was on my best behavior.  But enough time had passed, and I felt like being rebellious again. That's when  I began sneaking out of my bedroom window. Of course, It didn't take long before I got caught again. This time, I had left my window slightly open in the middle of a snow storm in the cold winter of Wisconsin. My parents had a key to my room, so of course, they opened my room door after feeling negative ten degree wind chills seeping through the cracks of my bedroom door.  But I didn't stop there.  It got so bad to the point that my dad had to duct tape the window in my room. I removed the tape, and I continued to sneak out. So he opted for another option; he super glued my widow shut. Nice try, dad, but that wasn't going to stop me. The ice cold winter froze the super glue, and made it easy for me to pry open my window. The glue had became something like an icicle and was easy to break through. I continued to sneak out. When that didn't work, he then nailed my window shut. So I became Bob the Builder and learned how to use a claw hammer to get the nails out. Once again, I continued to sneak out. The final straw came when my dad put my 150 pound bookshelf full of books in front of my window; so I had a change of plans. "Okay, I guess I'll just go out the back door." I thought. I'd decided that I didn't care anymore to be a good girl, and I didn't try to hide it either. At this point, my parents gave up. Although I gave my parents hell through my rebellious teenage years, I was still pretty sheltered and spoiled. As I began college, my dad still woke up at seven in the morning to take me to school. I didn't have a plan, and had no idea what I wanted to do in life at this point, but a one-month trip to Myanmar at the age of nineteen would soon change everything for me. It allowed me to see the world for the first time. So by the time I made it back to Milwaukee, WI, subconsciously, this city became too small for me. I yearned to see the world again. And just like that, Milwaukee became the four walls of my childhood home, that held me back from freedom, and truly living. This re-ignited that spark in me that saw great ambition, and those Hollywood dreams. So at the age of 19, I left school, and made an abrupt decision that would change my life forever. I decided to move to the city of dreams: Los Angeles, California. 

Just a few months later, on February 1st, 2018, I was on a flight to move my whole life from MKE, to L.A. When I hopped on the plane to L.A.X, with a dream and my cardigan, I began to realize I didn't fully understand the extent of leaving everything I knew behind. But as soon as I touched down, it started to sink in...slowly but surely. It started small. With nerves and a pit like feeling in my stomach. I asked myself 'did I make the right choice?' I reassured myself;  'yes...I made the right choice.' I didn't know where this was going to go, or what I was going to do...But I had a knowing that my life was going to change, and this was what I was meant to do. I was meant to entertain; to be an actress, a singer, a screenwriter...the possibilities were endless. By the time I was at baggage claim, that small pit in my stomach rapidly grew, and I was overcome with nerves. At this point I started to hold back tears. Then, the feelings of confusion, regret, and the knowing of not knowing where to go, who to run to, and how to push past these horrible feelings sank into my stomach, deeper than the titanic. Then, things took a turn for the worst. By the time I grabbed my bags from baggage claim and built up the courage to exit the airport doors...my hands were sweating, my heart was beating fast, and I began to wipe tears. Although I was here in this dreamland, I felt like I was living a nightmare. As I stood in front of the exit doors, hesitant to cross the line, I stared out at a big, big city with unfamiliar faces everywhere. Everyone was smiling, while I unexpectedly wasn't. The city of dreams looked like an unfamiliar and empty world. When it finally hit that this stranger of a city was to be my new home.... I crossed the line of the airport exit doors to say goodbye to the person I was, and say hello to the person I'd become.
​ As soon as the city of angels wrapped its warmth around me, welcoming me with a light breeze, blue skies, and palm trees, I fell to the ground and began to sob.  "I want to go home", I cried out.

As I cried, and cried, and cried, it felt like the whole world was watching me. I continued sobbing, and I didn't care how crazy I looked. I mean, God forbid a girl lays on the ground crying her eyes out while blocking the exit doors of LAX right?  I didn't care. Because these animals didn't know what I was going through. I was just a girl...who made the worst decision of her life to move to L.A, when just yesterday I didn't know how to get down the street without a GPS...and was regretting it. Surely they'd give me grace right?  Despite the dramatic sobbing on the ground for about 30 minutes, I finally chose to get up. I wiped my tears, grabbed my suitcase, and I realized I finally made it. It hit me, that this was the place I dreamt of since I was thirteen. I was here, and I finally made it.
 After wiping my tears and ignoring the stares of the people around me, I decided I would make the best of it. I mean my Hollywood dreams were just around the corner! Right?

In the first few weeks of moving to L.A I was a tourist. I traveled, met new people, and visited the Hollywood sign. It took me a moment to get out of my loneliness, but as I kept myself busy, I fell in love with the air of this place. From watching the sunset at Griffith park, to interacting with people from around the world,  to the colorful fruit stands on every corner, to the beaches and the mountains. Something about this place felt free, and I always longed to be free. In this new found freedom, I began stepping into my true self.

Then, reality hit, and the tourist life was over. I moved to Winnetka, where I roomed with CSUN students, and went back to work at Whole Foods. My roommate had a husky that I'd walk often; his name was King. I'd take King around the block to look at the llamas and chickens of the neighbors backyard. I found comfort in mine and Kings sincere interest in these foreign looking animals. I mean, I had seen chickens before but never in a backyard...and...llamas?! I thought llamas were just a fantasy.
I was truly in awe. We'd stare at them for at least an hour, before we moved along to finish our walk.  They were confused as we all sat there looking at each other: me, King, the llamas, and the chickens. We stared at them, and they stared at us, staring at them. I'm sure at first they must've been like "um...can we help you?" But after a while, they began expecting us, as we expected them. And this comforted me. Hopefully it comforted them.

It took me a few months to realize the reality of trying to make it in L.A; this wasn't as easy as I initially thought it would be.  Navigating a new life, in a new state was not easy. Especially since I chose to leave my Honda Civic in Milwaukee. This didn't sound like a huge deal before I moved to L.A, but then,  I realized how big this city was...I initially thought, "no big deal I'll just take the bus".  This...coming from someone who has never taken the bus a day in her life. The only experience I had to taking the bus was when I went to college for a few months back in Milwaukee. At the start of college, my dad continued to wake up at the crack of dawn to drop me off at school. He did this in high school, but back then, it was a five minute ride. During college, it became a 45 minute drive. There, and then back. Everyone else had cars, took the bus, car pooled, etc. I felt bad that I still relied on my dad to get to school. Not only that, but I felt that my independence relied on whether I could make it to school by myself—so I lied and told my dad I was going to carpool with my friend moving forward.  I wanted to relieve him of the responsibility of getting me to school, and I wanted to gain independence. The next day, I walked confidently to the bus stop; I was ready to be an adult. I got to the bus stop... and then I turned right back. I couldn't figure out how the bus routes worked. It was hard out there for a girl, you know? Needless to say, I quit college after that. I wasn't very good at walking anywhere either. Walking always gave me anxiety. Growing up in a sheltered upbringing comes with its ups and downs. In this case, the up is that your parents give you rides everywhere in order to keep you safe, but the down is that you become clueless to navigating the world around you. So when you're forced to... you're overcome with extreme paranoia. Eighteen  year old—college girl Chaw Su, couldn't figure out how to take the bus so she quit school. But twenty-year old—move her whole life to California Chaw Su...could it be that she finally figured out how to take the bus? No. She couldn't, and she wouldn't.  I look back at the fact that young  Chaw Su couldn't figure out how to take the bus...and laugh...It reminds me of the innocence and cluelessness I once had. So, since the younger me still couldn't figure out how to take the bus,  I was forced to face my fear of walking alone. Instead of figuring out how to navigate a 20 minute bus ride to work, I opted for the easier option: I began walking two hours just to get to work. Walking is simple, right? You just follow the GPS to get from point A to point B. But the bus? The bus is difficult. It's complex. Taking the bus means you have to take bus A, and then get off and wait for bus B, and sometimes bus C...to get to point D? I mean I couldn't believe the drama of taking the bus. Who did GPS think I was? Albert Einstein? I was literally. just. a. girl. While it was tough taking a two hour walk to work most days, it taught me to navigate the streets with caution. I was once so careless, but through this, I became more wise. So I'd like to share my first tip that may help a clueless ladadadida kind of girl like me  make it in L.A: Become aware. I was always aware. I was always checking my surroundings, and noticing every face. I always kept extremely alert. 

What I'm about to share, may be an extreme example, but, it's helpful to be extra cautious as a woman in general. I don't know if it's just me, but crazy things happen to me everywhere I go. For example, one time I was leaving a party at 4 A.M in the morning. As I was looking for something in my car, I look up, and there was a man, who was obviously in a far off reality, right outside my car, staring at me with his eyes wide open. I don't know how long he was standing there watching me, but our faces were only about 2 inches apart. The only thing that restricted our faces from touching was the glass of my car window.  As I gasped and became startled, he began freakishly laughing and stating "I got you. I got you". It was a scene that came right out of The Shining.  I realized I hadn't locked my car door, and immediately did so. In the 2 minutes from the time I got in my car, to the point I looked up,  he could've easily harmed me. On another occasion, I was going through the McDonalds drive thru  when a group of girls surrounded my car. I was coming home from an event around midnight, and was just a block away from my luxury apartment. This group of about seven or eight women came right up to my car, and begged me to open the door. They stated, "please help us, we need help." I looked to the cashier, and she didn't bat an eye. So I began questioning reality....was this really happening right now? They continued to beg for help and began saying "help were hurt...please help...please open your car door." Luckily, I was close enough to the drive through window so they wouldn't have been able to reach me even if they tried. But as I drove off, they would not get out of my way. So I had to slowly drive off. They were hesitant to move, and some of the girls began banging on my windows and hitting my car, in hopes that I would open the door. They continued to say "Please open up! Open your car door."  They became more and more aggressive as I refused to listen. One by one, they began moving after realizing that I was not budging, and I was able to exit the McDonalds parking lot safely. So girlypops, please, be safe, stay alert, and be aware.  This pertains to every place, in every part of the world, but when you're in a new city... you want to be especially careful. When you're not from somewhere, people can usually tell, and that's enough reason for trouble to find you.

 While my time in the valley was short, I made trustworthy friends, roommates, and coworkers to help me around town. I eventually moved to Korea-town, and at the same time, my acting career was taking off. I was doing music videos, short films, and even taking up modeling and music. I earned my first couple of IMBD credits within my first six months of being in L.A. But it wasn't long before I realized, although I was in the city of angels, the devil was in every creek and corner. Religious or not, you will see that the entertainment industry is very unforgiving. I mean, everyone, even celebrities have talked about it. It's sad to say, but there were many times I was almost taken advantage of while trying to pursue my dream. For example, on three occasions, I was almost trafficked. Three out of three times, we're at music video shoots for notable artists. The first time, I remember the artist was very friendly with me and asked that everyone clear the way for me to be the center of attention while we shot a party scene. Everyone would tell me that I was the most beautiful woman in the room. Both men and woman alike. I felt special. I felt I belonged. But I trusted to easily; and almost got taken advantage of. This artist seemed to really see something in me and asked if he could get my number to present me with opportunities. This was an artist that owned his own studio, and had made a name for himself in the industry. Not too long after this shoot, he told me that he had an amazing opportunity for me, and asked me to meet him at his recording studio. I made the hour trip to meet him, and was so excited to hear what he had to say. But when I sat down and spoke with him, I became baffled. This "opportunity" he spoke of, was an introduction to the sex trafficking industry. "You can go on dates with people, and they pay you. They'll fly you out, pay for your flight, and give you money." The naive girl I once was, innocently asked "wait...so...dates...? Like you just spend time with them?" He replied "yeah, just spend time with them...and do whatever you want." Curiously, not getting the hang of what he was saying, I replied "wait...so does that mean sex?" He replied, "yea... you could have sex with them...whatever you're comfortable with. But you can make so much money." I was astounded. I didn't know what to think but I just know I became very uncomfortable. "Um... I'll think about it and get back to you." I stated. I immediately left, and later texted him that I wasn't interested. To this, he responded "Fuck you, you dumb bitch. You ain't shit anyways, and you'll never make it in this industry. All you are is a Hollywood whore." And then he was blocked. This happened on two other occasions, where someone at the music video shoot would approach me with an "opportunity", just to tell me that they'd like me to join them in going on dates, and having sex in order to "fund my career". 
I've only been in three music videos. And every music video shoot I've went to, I was almost trafficked. This tells me that this is a frequent pattern, and  it's something that has become so casual. I didn't realize then, that this was trafficking. But just like an abusive relationship, it was something that started off so kind (showering me with compliments) and convincing, but something that could have easily turned into a nightmare. So my second piece of advice for those trying to make it in the industry, is that every opportunity ain't a good opportunity.

I wish I could say that the scary experiences of people trying to take advantage of me ended there, but it didn't. One thing I've learned about being a woman, alone, trying to make it in this industry, is that predators often hide in plain sight. They're photographers, they're producers, they're elder business men in nice suits, they're musicians, they're actors...the list goes on and on. I'm not sure about anyone else, but I seem to be a sugar daddy magnet. I must have the sign "Hi Im a young slut looking for money please come save me because I'm a damsel in distress" written across my forehead. I've spoken to many of my friends, and they've never seemed to run into this issue, but for the girls that have, or will experience this, here's a little tip I've learned that goes a long way: when someone presents you with a job opportunity and shows you a picture of them with Lionel Richie, don't take the opportunity to see what they can offer you. Because 10 times out of 10, they're looking for you to suck their dick in order for you to take that help. If they ask you to meet them for lunch because they "have connections", then I hope this warning finds you well: You can do it without them. Unless you're truly interested, which, no judgement there, but for the girls that aren't: save the time and the effort, and know the signs. I wish I could've saved the young version of me that showed up for lunch thinking a nice, innocent old man was going to help me get an agent, just to get told they could a provider for me "in other ways" if I can be with them.  Although there were one too many times that I experienced men in the entertainment industry, or, in general, trying to take advantage of me, I slowly, but surely learned this third lesson: Have discernment . People in the entertainment industry often use their power or money to offer you a chance to "make it" in exchange for sexual favors. They won't say it up front. They'll sugar coat it; they present you with a nice opportunity, and then reveal themselves to be the spawn of satan. But, although it's sad to say, this happens everywhere. Recently, I was at a cafe, and a man approached me. He was super kind, and super polite. We got into a conversation where I stated that I was passionate about non-profits because my mission in life is to help people. He then stated he was the manager of a non profit organization that caters to helping the homeless. "Send me your resume, and I'll get you an interview at one of the other sites, because my site isn't hiring." Ecstatic, I sent him my resume, while thanking God for the opportunity. He then texted me stating "Hey there's something interesting I saw on your resume, I'd like to meet with you and discuss this before I send it to HR." 'I've heard this before', I thought. But I saw it through anyways. I pull up to the restaurant he sends me. "Get anything you want" he tells me. I'm a simple girl who doesn't like to take advantage of strangers, so I got the cheapest thing on the menu.  On top of that, this was my way of making sure he knew that I didn't want, or need anything from him. If I got lamb chops instead of chicken tenders, he would've used it against me or made me feel like I "owe him something". But anyways...I asked, "So what did you wanna talk to me about...?" He nervously laughed. "Do you wanna talk about this now...or later?" I'd learned to not drag anything any longer than it needed to be through my past experiences, so I needed to skip the bullshit, if there was any. "Let's talk about it now." I impatiently stated. I knew what was coming next, yet I was hopeful I was wrong. Hopeful that I was going to get a job in an industry I'm passionate about. He cleared his throat."Well, I could send this resume in, and get you that interview...But that would mean that you couldn't see me." And ope, just like that, the cat was out the bag, I rolled my eyes, finished my food, said thank you, and left. But better now than later, right? So ladies, take it from me, have discernment to know when a man is trying to play you in your face.

Although my experiences have been disheartening, I know that everything happens for a reason. Everyday is a learning process that bridges the gap to a better tomorrow. So I'll leave you with this one last tip: Don't rush the process. As a young girl who struggled to find balance in my new life, in my career, and my relationships, I was easily discouraged. There's a lot that I've had to learn over the past years, but that doesn't take away from the strength and the courage you have to have to up and leave everything you know behind, to chase something bigger. Whatever it is that you dream of, take leaps of faith, and put those dreams into actionable steps. You will make it if you continue to dream big. You just have to keep going. These tips align with my own personal experiences, but I believe that everyone can learn from them.  Take it one day at a time and fall in love with this journey. Things may not always go your way, but regardless, you'll find who you are here, and become the person you were meant to be. I hope this gives someone out there some useful advice. Although it can be discouraging to know that there are such unkind people in the world, I hope that anyone reading this can take this as a warning about the harsh reality of what it is to be a girl who's alone in this city,  and trying to make it in this  industry.  I wish I had a guide when I first moved to L.A, because it was lonely and scary for me. But you learn as you go. I hope that in sharing my experiences I can be that voice that comforts the girlypops, or anyone who can (or can't) resonate. And with all that being said, I'll leave you with one last thing: Welcome to the City of Angels. I hope that you, too, can feel the warmth of the golden state wrapping its arms around you. That's it. That's all. Toodaloo~  :)

​ -ℭ𝔥𝔞𝔴 𝔖𝔲 𝔚𝔦𝔫​